My Dear Colleague,

I ran downstairs to share the excitement with Grace. I had just successfully spent about 45 minutes on the phone with—let’s call him Corey. We had a great conversation and talked about a wide range of subjects. That was fantastic.

Now, why would something that seems so routine lead to such rejoicing? You see, I have this dear cousin that I love, but I’ve never been able to communicate with him beyond the superficial: How are you? How is the family doing? How are things on the job?

It was always frustrating to talk with him. Typically, I would be energized, excited, talking fast and peppering him with questions. In response, he would be low-keyed, slow talking, ponderous and even reticent. It was like splashing water repeatedly against a painted concrete wall; only the surface seemed to get wet.

Our Typical Conversation Sounded Something Like This:

Alvin:  So what’s going on Corey? It’s been a long time. How are your wife and kids doing man? Whatzup Maan?

Corey: Well, [Pause] the kids are [Pause] they are fine. [Pause] [Pause] Marie is aw-right too.

Alvin: That’s great! Didn’t Marie go back to school to finish her degree? How is that going, and when’s she gonna graduate?

Corey: Aaaam, Marie? [Pause] Yeh, she’s in school. [Pause] Let’s see [Pause] She’s got about a year.

Alvin:  So, what’s new with you?

Corey? Nothing. [Pause] [Pause]

After about three minutes, our conversation would be very tiring.

But because of the personal development adventure on which I’ve been for the last several years, it occurred to me to try something I learned…something they never taught me in school.

So when I called Corey this time, I deliberately slowed down my speech to match his pace. I spoke in a way that matched his tone and cadence. This was hard for me. A dozen questions were bursting in my head, all at the same time. But I asked one question at a time, waited patiently on his response, focused on his breathing and allowed him to finish his sentence. I literally had to visualize my brain slowing down to match his pace. When I spoke, I consciously paused in the middle of a thought, pondered for a moment and then finished. The energy drained from my speech and I settled down to a quiet, attentive communication pattern.

A Most Remarkable Thing Happened. Corey began to make sense! He had a lot to say; his speech did not seem halting OR slow. When I asked him a question, he gave me two to three sentences full of information—interesting stuff about his work, his family and his life. I told him about my life; he processed it patiently and responded like we were best of friends. This was a great conversation that I really enjoyed. I even forgot that I had forced myself to adjust to his rhythm and style…it felt so natural. I learned more about my cousin in that conversation than I had in the previous two decades!

Now, here is the zinger—here’s what all my personal development work had not prepared me for. It took me by complete surprise. Freaky.

As I ran downstairs to explain this to Grace, I had a dozen things to tell her about this encounter. I was excited and ready to gush effusively about how my personal empowerment tactic had worked wonders. I could not. My speech came out slowly, methodically and in a deliberate, ponderous drone. I stopped, shook my head and started again. Same effect. I could NOT make myself speak any faster in that moment. It literally took me five minutes to retrain my brain to my normal pace and intonation.

Good gracious! What an extraordinary thing—to enter into someone else’s space, validate him, and learn that his world was actually very interesting. Good gracious! What an extraordinary thing—to get stuck in someone else’s space.

You see, I had learned about the process of mirroring, but never saw it work this well before. Mirroring is widely used in Neuro-Linguistics Programming, as a technique for developing rapport with others.

According to Dr. Roger Ellerton Phd, ISP, CMC of Ottawa, Ontario:

“The key to establishing rapport is an ability to enter another person’s world by assuming a similar state of mind. The first thing to do is to become more like the other person by matching and mirroring the person’s behaviours -- body language, voice, words etc. Matching and mirroring is a powerful way of getting an appreciation of how the other person is seeing/experiencing the world.”

Do you work in Sales, Customer Service or Negotiation? Or, do you ever have problems relating to people and getting them to open up to you? Then Mirroring is a simple but powerful tool to generate business results, make you money, and to improve your relationships dramatically, even with strangers.

You might be amazed at the effects of Mirroring. Try it and let me know. In order to contact me, go to www.AlvinDay.com and click on “Contact Us.” Let’s take instructions from Dr. Rogers Ellerton:

Dr. Roger Ellerton Says:

When matching, you should first focus on body language, then voice and finally the person’s words. Why? Mehrabian and Ferris (‘Inference of Attitudes from Nonverbal Communication in Two Channels’, Journal of Counselling Psychology, Vol. 31, 1967, pp. 248-52) discovered that 55 percent of the impact of a presentation is determined by your body language, 38 percent by your voice and only 7 percent by the content or words that you use.

Body language includes body posture, facial expressions, hand gestures, breathing and eye contact. As a beginner, start by matching one specific behaviour and once you are comfortable doing that, then match another and so on. For voice, you can match tonality, speed, volume, rhythm and clarity of speech.

Have you been like me? Too often, I am so focused on what I want to say and how I want to say it, that I fail to enter into what the other person is saying or doing. I admit without shame that my favorite subject is me. If you say that’s not true for you, you are delusional or just not self-aware—sorry for being that blunt. To get outside your own world and seek to fit into the rhythms, sounds and demeanor of others, is to pay them respect…to validate them. Do this in your life and you will learn more, earn more and turn more of your potential into rewards, recognition and love.

Okay, so where do you go to get this body of learning about things not taught in schools? Mirroring is just one of the skills that go beyond academic and corporate training.

Have you learned the strategies and skills practiced routinely by The Winners in The Game of Life?  Do you know:

—    The Jump Shift Method?

—    The Art of Logical Separation?

—    The On-Ramp of Life?

—    The Four Tests to Determine your Life Purpose?

—    How to Work well with Difficult People and Make them Loyal Fans?

The list goes on...

If any of these sound foreign to you—if your success skills were learned mainly in school or in a company training program, then we have to talk.

Let’s talk. These processes of personal development and empowerment will be laid out for you in detail in our Ft. Lauderdale workshop on May 12. You’ve gotta be there. 

NOT Satisfied with the Average and Ordinary?

If you don’t feel totally fulfilled and excited about life…

If you work really hard, but have little to show at the end of the month…if you hunger for more out of life…

If you're not making as much money as you want…

Then let’s spend time together on May 12 and change things!

One last thing: if you want to learn, earn and turn as you choose in life, stop being so interesting and start being more interested. More people will say YES to you.

Take it from me, this attitude will give you altitude.

Alvin

PS: To register for May 12 in Ft. Lauderdale and take advantage of the huge limited-time-only discount, call or email today. Why pay more at the door? (Write Marsha@AlvinDay.com or Call 561-432-5610. See you there.